Rest in Peace

Louis Joseph Rekers: Born, Covington, KY: May 14, 1923; Died, Cincinnati, OH: December 26, 2008.

My sister called early this morning to tell me that my father is dying. He has Alzheimer’s disease so, in one sense he has been gone for awhile. In another sense, he is only just now leaving. He was able to live at home up until two weeks ago when a blood clot in his leg made it necessary to put him in the hospital. Removed from familiar surroundings he declined quickly.

My father was a veteran of WWII. He was a fighter pilot in the Pacific and, against all odds, for a fighter pilot’s life expectancy was measured in weeks not years, he lived through two tours of duty. I remember only one time when he talked about the war. He said, “It is hard to kill another man when you look into his eyes and you see he is a person just like you.”

Christmas with eight children could be a chaotic event. To keep some kind of order my parents established an unvarying routine: we went to 9:00 Mass at our parish church then home for breakfast. After breakfast we kids were allowed to open our presents.

Sometimes dad stayed around to take Christmas pictures but more often mother took the pictures because dad didn’t feel good. He invariably spent all of Christmas day in bed. Mother said he was sick and had to stay in bed. On December 26th he would be well.

We never knew why Christmas was so hard for dad. What I know is that my mother once said, “You didn’t know your father before the war. He was a happy person, always smiling and joking. We had so much fun together. The war changed him.” My siblings and I used to say that dad hated Christmas. But I don’t believe he hated Christmas. Instead, I believe his inability to enjoy the season, as well as the anxiety and depression that plagued him year round, stemmed from something that happened to him on some other Christmas in some other year. Something he could not talk about.

Today, the 26th of December, 2008, we are in another war and thousands of men and women, are fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. Most of their families have sent them gifts and boxes of goodies in the hope of giving them a good Christmas, an “as if you were home” Christmas. Meanwhile, we at home distract ourselves from the carnage of war with stories about GIs saving abandoned pets and zoo animals starving for want of meat.

But in a war zone, Christmas is a day like any other. The fighting goes on. Bullets and bombs find their targets. People are maimed and die.

I am certain that when those men and women return home their families will also find them changed. Some of the things these soldiers have seen and survived will be spoken about openly. Most of their experiences will be locked away in some secret part of themselves, perhaps to be accessed only in nightmares or flashbacks or sickness at Christmas. Families will wonder what happened to the happy-go-lucky person who went away to war. Another generation of children will be wounded by the anxiety and fear that haunt the soldiers who fought the war; having seen how quickly things can change, they fear the unexpected for those they love.

Today, as my father lies dying, I wonder how to spread his words: "It is hard to kill another man when you look into his eyes and you see he is a person just like you."

And so this is Christmas

Sometimes I wake up with a song running through my head. Often the song is simply one I heard on the radio the day before and could not get out of my head. This morning, though, I woke up with John Lennon singing in my mind:

“And so this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun.

And I found myself thinking about what I have done this year. Then decided to let that question go for a few days – at least until New Year’s Eve since that really is a New Year’s kind of question. Is there a Christmas question in his beautiful verses, I wondered? Do his words actually say anything meaningful about Christmas? This verse seems heavily weighted toward good wishes:

“And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun,
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young.”

A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year.
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear.

Mmmm – perhaps we are getting close – a Christmas without fear. Are we living in fear this year? Those of us with loved ones in Iraq and Afghanistan are afraid for them. Those of us (for they are also ‘us’) who live in Iraq and Afghanistan or other troubled parts of the world also live with fear and lack. Many in this country who have lost their jobs and their savings have also lost hope and live with fear.

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong,
For rich and for poor ones
The road is so long.

And so Happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight.

And the last verse:

War is over!
If you want it
War is over!
War is over, Now!

John Lennon’s Christmas question seems to be: What have I done this year to make peace real, for myself, for those around me and for the world?

Spending and Simplicity: the cycle

My favorite morning read is the Huffington Post. I walk away from my computer feeling informed on current issues and fairly satisfied that the world has not imploded while I slept. This morning a blog by Peggy Drexler caught my eye. You can read her post here.

Drexler speculates that the recession is teaching some hard lessons about spending that are likely to be forgotten as soon as times are good again. She may be right. We humans are notorious for ignoring the lessons of the past and charging into the future without thought for the consequences. And, as she so rightly points out, things are fun to own and use. I write this on a roll top desk – lots of cubbyholes, lots of beautiful wood, lots of fun, but so impractical. Think of Professor Cosmo Fishhawk in the comic strip, Shoe. His rolltop desk, overflowing with paper, will give you an idea of the state of my desk.

I wonder if there is any alternative to owning lots of things? Frankly, I am having trouble thinking of even one. Some research says giving to others is deeply satisfying. But is that enough to replace the things we buy and use with so much enthusiasm? Does giving money to the United Way satisfy the itch to spend?

Perhaps the question is why do we enjoy spending so much? True, the toys that money buys are the one sign of success that is totally quantifiable. Two computers are twice as good. A larger house is better than a smaller one. A new car is better than an old car. And beside all that, spending stimulates the economy which really needs stimulating right now.

Opting out of the make money/spend money cycle feels like quitting. Buying a used car feels like self denial. A small house feels cramped and crowded. Last year’s computer feels slow and clunky. Last year’s clothing styles are embarrassing to wear. Giving to United Way may make us good team players at work but since no one knows what we gave, the amount of our gift cannot be used as evidence of success.

Evidence of success to whom? To whom are we signaling? Who is watching? Against whom do we compete in the game of “mine is bigger and better”? Maybe it isn’t things that are the sign of success; maybe it is the money itself. Maybe the more money we have the bigger success we are. Then we spend the money as proof of our success to, well, everyone!

Okay. Now I have it – the perfect thing! No need to buy lots of things that will end up at the thrift store. Instead, a wrist band with LED display of my bank account balance! But wait. Which bank balance? Savings? Checking? Retirement? Okay, I need at least three wrist bands and maybe one to display my charitable contributions? What about investments? That makes five. Okay, one wrist band with a revolving display.

I may be on to something here… Maybe I finally have an idea that will make buckets of money. Then everyone will know I’m a success…big cars…big houses…media centers…personal jet…jewelry…and, of course, my wrist band.

The economy is melting down. No one knows how far the meltdown will go. The blame game may feel satisfying but is actually pretty useless. So, how do we, a generation that has usually had as much as we needed even if not quite all that we wanted, survive when we aren't even sure if we will have all we need?

In this blog, Michal Anne and I will pass along tips to help you survive and flourish. We will write about many topics but always with the idea that we want all of us to do well no matter how bad the meltdown gets. We want to flourish and we want you to flourish as well.

We have lots of ideas about things that will help you save money, stay connected to friends and family and keep living a full life. We also want to hear from you. Do you have a family story about the great depression you would like to share? Did someone you know pass on a great money saving tip? Have you some favorite tips on growing a garden, reusing or fixing something broken? Contact us through the comments section. Together we will help each other and all will do well.